at the local organic horticultural show, green fingered lucy ditty
had brought no prize veg to display - explaining "it's such a pity!
i have grown the most succulent sweetcorn and a giant marrow
but how could i transport them? i don't even own a wheelbarrow!
i strapped a sturdy basket to my back and filled it with my tasty crop
but i had been digging so much i had no strength left and thought i'd drop.
If only I had a fairy garden mothers gift, like the tale of Cinderella's pumpkin
that could carry me and my harvest in style - "oh don't be such a bumpkin"
said her cousin, on a visit from the bustling nearby town of convenience food.
"oh, sod off you city slicker, said Lucy, "you don't know it all and you're rude!
You'd be very surprised if you knew the magic that happens in tending the land.
Change out of your smart clothes, high heels, put on some wellies, give me a hand!"
Well Lucy Ditty's urban and perfectly manicured relative snootily turned up her nose,
which made Lucy (and would have made me) want to drench her with the hose.
But just at this time, a garden imp (who lived inside an old, rusty bucket)
had been listening to all this, and decided to intervene, saying "oh, fuck it!
humans are hopeless at times, and need some enchanted assistance!"
So she chucked a handful of fairy dust, and flew off into the distance.
A soft breeze danced in the air, and Lucy's cuz breathed it in without knowing
and that night, dreamed of the earth's deep womb and seeds that were growing.
A terrible sadness and loss gripped her soul, ancient yearnings filled her mind.
When Lucy arose in the morning, Cuz had planted ten packets of seeds, neatly lined.
"You should take them out of the packets, first, ideally" Lucy Ditty kindly advised
"but, never mind, you seem to have been seized by the gardening bug - I'm surprised!"
"Well, I felt such a compulsion" said the girl - " I think nature called out to my heart."
"That's great" said Lucy, "unfortunate that you trampled my lettuces, but I guess it's a start!"
"Well, I saw they were being feasted on by nasty, fat slugs, so I put on my high heels
and spiked them! Then I tore down that bamboo, to bend it and make barrow wheels!"
"Shit, the bamboo was stakes for growing my peas and beans" said Lucy, "but not to worry;
I guess we could make a wheelbarrow and still get to the veggie show, if we hurry!
But first, I do have some further gardening tips for you and sensible advice to suggest.
Although I am sure it is liberating to be gardening naked, it helps to be practically dressed -
to wear only stilettos, well, dear - I think you will get stung, bitten and nastily scratched!
"Oh I was in such a hurry, Lucy, "Cuz said, "for just wait till you hear the plan I have hatched!
We can use these improvised wheels to make a cart, then borrow the neighbour's lawnmower,
and build from it an air born machine to pull the cart, propelled even faster with their leaf blower!
Or - you see where you have grown those potatoes, in that stack of inside out tyres?
They're Michellin, and look in good enough knick - let's use them, we'll be such high flyers!
"Oh, that's how I always grow tatties", said Luce, "and anyway I'm not really that fussed
about going to the show now, but I do think you must have been sprinkled with fairy dust.
But, in any case, I do really need a good, sturdy barrow, or some kind of truck or cart -
but slow down, a bit, please, just stop pulling my cold frames and compost bin apart!"
"Oh, but if we use this aluminium, glass and black plastic sections, we can make solar power!"
Meanwhile, the naughty yet benevolent imp was observing all this, perched on top of a tall sunflower.
The mischievous imp laughed her pixie boots off when she saw how they finally invented
a flying barrow from trellis, an old strimmer and a garden bench - "How very demented!"
"But gardening's not all about gadgets and gizmos" said Lucy - it's about honest toil and graft."
"Oh, never mind, sweetie, I don't want to be a gardener anymore" said her cousin, who'd gone quite daft.
"You grow the nice floral arrangements and salads, and I'll be an inventor and weird stuff designer!"
And now Lucy has a unique new shed, and polytunnel too, made from garden junk and her auntie is learning to be a water diviner.
(for Lucy - by eva day)
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Friday, 24 June 2011
Frog Ponders
though his traditional frog name was said to have made him lucky,
protecting from danger, Kermit was more fortunate than he was plucky.
His mottled skin would shiver, his delicate green knees quiver and shake,
when he and his family moved home to begin a new life in the great lake.
He felt anxious, dreaded great danger at every ripple or splash -
he was just not like the bolder frogs who were so sporty and flash.
"I wish we had stayed safe and familiar, in our cosy, pretty little pond,"
he told his mother, Madame Le Vert, of whom he was very fond.
"My dear, we needed new bigger lily pads, as our family had grown,"
she told him, "and here you can have a large one of your own,
to rest after swimming, and watch dragonflies fluttering their wings,
listen to the cheerful crickets chirp, and the bright blackbird who sings."
"But I'm afraid that great, greedy bird might attack, viciously: peck out my eyes,
swooping down on me suddenly, cruelly, when I'm distracted, busy with catching flies.
And the crickets chattering makes me nervous, their mad leap makes me jump!"
"Oh, my boy, don't be so timid," said ma, "and don't just sit here on your rump!
Try to muster some courage and give things a try - hop from one leaf to another!"
Expand your comfort zone, son!" encouraged his patient and wise, loving mother.
"You might enjoy it all, live life much more fully, once you get going!"
But just then Kermit saw some people, with rods and nets, in a boat, rowing.
"Oh no! The season has started, the anglers have been given a fishing permit!"
""Invasion! Licensed killers!"cried poor, scared trembling, lily livered Kermit
"I don't belong here, I'm not like the others, I feel just like a fish out of water!
Those horrible people are after the trout for their supper, and it will be slaughter!
I'm sad for any who get caught today, but if those fish get disturbed, and see that I am here,
will I get away fast enough? They'll eat me before they themselves are dinner, I fear!"
"You're a strong swimmer, and have good, springy legs, but life is a risk at times!" said his mater.
"Your Uncle, who went on safari exploring the Florida swamps, sadly got eaten by an alligator!
"Your cousin was cooked, eaten, in a restaurant. He was caught on his way to the river to see his sweetheart.
He lived for love and for revelry, for night life, wild parties and play but ended up served a la carte!
These things are so, tragically, yet they both had many adventures and a truly full and good life -
perhaps, like your uncle, you will feel more complete and much braver, once you have a wife?"
"No, no, I am not ready for that, as I don't think I shall stay here!" said the anxious amphibian
"But a wedding will be wonderful!" said his sisters, "And just imagine!! You could honeymoon in the Caribbean!"
"I don't want to travel, or live in such busy places! Leave me be, I want to go and live quietly, alone!" Kermit cried.
"All this gives me bad dreams! I'll find a rock and some deep mud, somewhere I can get away from it all and just hide!"
But his family were puzzled, frustrated. Caution was fine, but this fear was really too much, they firmly told Kermit.
"We would miss you, you're good company when you're calm, and you can't just go off and live like a hermit!"
"And of course, " said his sister, "who would visit your pad? Remember - a frog is by nature a sociable creature.
I know a nice lady frog, cold blood and warm heart, and delicate webbed feet, who'd just love to meet yer!
Her name is Florence. She is feisty and fierce and would be glad to wed a mate with such a good breaststroke as yours!
Picture the two of you, matrimonial bliss, two frogs contended in sharing bed, the dawn song, children, and chores.
You could make a great partnership, you swimming so swiftly, catching bugs and her there, vigilant, watching your back;
keeping guard to protect you and your many wriggling offspring from otters, or herons and fending off any attack."
"I like the idea," Kermit said, " but perhaps I'd stay home, look after our Tads and Tadettes, while she goes out to get worms.
I'll be a modern style home husband. Be domestic, while she brings home the grubs. If we are to marry those are my terms."
"What?" said his sister, "you'll stay home, sit at the edge of the great lake, bounce around with the babies, and blow happy bubbles,
neglecting to keep your best freestyle swimming in top form, your webbed feet strong, while she goes and faces troubles?
No! You must be a good partner, and also make friends with the neighbours, the lake wide community! No more yellow bellied croaking!
Kermit, you must take your place in these waters, make ripples, fight your fears, so my brother, I do really hope you are just joking.
If dear old dad, were here now, had he not been caught by humans and put into an aquarium, a limited world, that sad little tank,
I know he would urge you to meet life head on, don't waste your time hiding! I say this to strengthen your nerve and be frank!
Father would tell you, the prison he's in is perhaps no worse than the one which you build for yourself from such worry and stress"
And Kermit, inspired, agreed to be married quite quickly, if Flo was willing. "Let the nuptials be soon, or I'll get cold feet, I confess!"
Florence Froggola felt an easy rapport when they met, and agreed to the marriage, if he'd try to be braver, no crawling toad, or sly newt.
And when he met her, he did find her amusing, affectionate and with such large bulging eyes and supple joints, very sexy and cute.
So Kermit and Florence indeed did have a contended marriage, together, after having conveniently both fallen in love and in lust.
His sensible wife managed things well, as she insisted " as hunters and gatherers, we'll take turns to go foraging - you simply must!"
And as Kermit grew older and time passed, he found marriage and fatherhood did make him considerably braver and overcome many fears -
until their numerous clusters of taddies grew up, and had little wrigglers of their own; Kermie and Flo had many grandchildren, over the years.
But then Flo was ready for a new phase in life, wanting broader horizons and so she suggested a trip to the well tended gardens of humans nearby.
"I would like to dive and swim in their ponds and luxurious water features" she said. It was something she'd so much always wanted to try.
"I have heard stories from other creatures, and know of a family of humans", she explained, "with a fountain and gnomes in their garden."
But this kind of enterprise was beyond Kermit's limit for danger, and he was distressed. Flo became quite insistent, and felt his heart harden.
"It seems now we want such different things in life", he said, for he longed to return to the pond where he lived as a little tadpole, so secluded.
"Well if you think i am going to that backwater," protested Florence strongly, "then I'm sorry Kermit, honey but you are completely deluded!
Why it is dull as ditch water there, I won't go and I think I must say, Kermit, you've been a good mate to me, and great tadpole spawner
But you can't or won't share my sense of adventure! I want a good new hopping life! You're holding me back, boring me, you're such a yawner
Still Kermit insisted, he wanted peaceful retirement and safety, though his lady frog tried to persuade him to visit the local suburbs and have a jaunt.
"We never go anywhere! Is it capture, being shut in a tank like your pa, that you're scares you or maybe you can't out leap a few cats? she would taunt.
Well this was low talk and poorly done, but Kermit just repeated that he did not crave such hazardous adventures for entertainment or adrenalin rush -
and such a rift had grown between them, so back to his little safe birthplace he went to dwell in a hole in a log - simple and quiet, but he liked the hush.
I have no regrets, have loved our life together, but now the time's come for me to please my old bones" he explained , to his friends, children and Florence.
"For all that high living and swamp hopping, the curious travels which you seem to yearn for, myself I have a deep and instinctive total abhorrence.
I want to go back to the place of my birth, downsize if you like, for I guess at heart I am still plain old Kermie, humble and simple backwater pond scum.
But I don't need fancy stuff and am not ambitious: nostalgic maybe, but I am proud of my ancestral roots!" - and he smiled wisely at his dear old mum.
And so, he and Flo agreed to be fairly amicably parted, and forgetting her harsh words, he said he guessed if she followed her dreams she'd feel more fulfilled
he just hoped, thinking of all those cats, foxes and humans, and roads with those awful cars and trucks that squash frogs, that she would not get killed.
And as for him - he planned to write poetry, sing ballads, float happily in his old age and he hoped his children would sometimes hop by and visit his log.
And they do - get together for stories and sing-a-longs and croaking sessions, now he is a venerated, well loved and much calmer old frog.
They had to admit, he did seem much more settled. " We know he was always a bit of a worrier," they'd say, " but he is a kindly old croaker;
he songs and his poems are deep as the lake although his ponds small, and he's a good host, a good listener to all and a bit of a joker."
"I have no regrets" Kermit said, if we'd not gone to the lake I never would have had such a wonderful family and, though I don't have worldly advice to dispense
I have followed my heart, done my best for my offspring, and I hope, entertained with my stories - and I do have a little bit of good common sense!
Perhaps we all have a destiny or a soul journey to fulfil and some frogs, I think, are just born for the simple life and that's their dream -
but other frogs have a calling for quests and discoveries, or need challenges, and they must find something different and swim upstream.
Though a cliche, of course is a truism too, so variety I think, truly is the spice of life and each of us is born with a path to follow!"
He philosophised, to the sky and the fish, and particularly, by way of comforting a nice juicy slug he was just about to swallow.
"Well, to conclude my tale" Kermit said- "I heard that Florence was found by a human and romantically kissed (apparently he was a prince)
and although it sounds like a fairy story ending - I hope for the best as no one has heard any further news of her ever since.
And was for me? Life's been good to me, I survived and thrived, love my music and dawn chorus poetry croakings, and have met a sweet new lady friend
and she's a great dancer, so we're quite a pair - I am hoping (this being a leap year) she'll pop the question and I will be once again wed!"
Well, sadly" (interjected the white duck who's narrating this story" , this was not to be, as just then a hedgehog burrowing under the log bit off Kermit's head
- and that is the end of the story, but of course Kermit's ancestors live on, and one branch of the family populates the lake, and some in the pond
including a young froglet, a dancer and singer, good swimmer and small, but with big dreams, called Rita Ribbet, of whom I am quite fond.......
the end.
protecting from danger, Kermit was more fortunate than he was plucky.
His mottled skin would shiver, his delicate green knees quiver and shake,
when he and his family moved home to begin a new life in the great lake.
He felt anxious, dreaded great danger at every ripple or splash -
he was just not like the bolder frogs who were so sporty and flash.
"I wish we had stayed safe and familiar, in our cosy, pretty little pond,"
he told his mother, Madame Le Vert, of whom he was very fond.
"My dear, we needed new bigger lily pads, as our family had grown,"
she told him, "and here you can have a large one of your own,
to rest after swimming, and watch dragonflies fluttering their wings,
listen to the cheerful crickets chirp, and the bright blackbird who sings."
"But I'm afraid that great, greedy bird might attack, viciously: peck out my eyes,
swooping down on me suddenly, cruelly, when I'm distracted, busy with catching flies.
And the crickets chattering makes me nervous, their mad leap makes me jump!"
"Oh, my boy, don't be so timid," said ma, "and don't just sit here on your rump!
Try to muster some courage and give things a try - hop from one leaf to another!"
Expand your comfort zone, son!" encouraged his patient and wise, loving mother.
"You might enjoy it all, live life much more fully, once you get going!"
But just then Kermit saw some people, with rods and nets, in a boat, rowing.
"Oh no! The season has started, the anglers have been given a fishing permit!"
""Invasion! Licensed killers!"cried poor, scared trembling, lily livered Kermit
"I don't belong here, I'm not like the others, I feel just like a fish out of water!
Those horrible people are after the trout for their supper, and it will be slaughter!
I'm sad for any who get caught today, but if those fish get disturbed, and see that I am here,
will I get away fast enough? They'll eat me before they themselves are dinner, I fear!"
"You're a strong swimmer, and have good, springy legs, but life is a risk at times!" said his mater.
"Your Uncle, who went on safari exploring the Florida swamps, sadly got eaten by an alligator!
"Your cousin was cooked, eaten, in a restaurant. He was caught on his way to the river to see his sweetheart.
He lived for love and for revelry, for night life, wild parties and play but ended up served a la carte!
These things are so, tragically, yet they both had many adventures and a truly full and good life -
perhaps, like your uncle, you will feel more complete and much braver, once you have a wife?"
"No, no, I am not ready for that, as I don't think I shall stay here!" said the anxious amphibian
"But a wedding will be wonderful!" said his sisters, "And just imagine!! You could honeymoon in the Caribbean!"
"I don't want to travel, or live in such busy places! Leave me be, I want to go and live quietly, alone!" Kermit cried.
"All this gives me bad dreams! I'll find a rock and some deep mud, somewhere I can get away from it all and just hide!"
But his family were puzzled, frustrated. Caution was fine, but this fear was really too much, they firmly told Kermit.
"We would miss you, you're good company when you're calm, and you can't just go off and live like a hermit!"
"And of course, " said his sister, "who would visit your pad? Remember - a frog is by nature a sociable creature.
I know a nice lady frog, cold blood and warm heart, and delicate webbed feet, who'd just love to meet yer!
Her name is Florence. She is feisty and fierce and would be glad to wed a mate with such a good breaststroke as yours!
Picture the two of you, matrimonial bliss, two frogs contended in sharing bed, the dawn song, children, and chores.
You could make a great partnership, you swimming so swiftly, catching bugs and her there, vigilant, watching your back;
keeping guard to protect you and your many wriggling offspring from otters, or herons and fending off any attack."
"I like the idea," Kermit said, " but perhaps I'd stay home, look after our Tads and Tadettes, while she goes out to get worms.
I'll be a modern style home husband. Be domestic, while she brings home the grubs. If we are to marry those are my terms."
"What?" said his sister, "you'll stay home, sit at the edge of the great lake, bounce around with the babies, and blow happy bubbles,
neglecting to keep your best freestyle swimming in top form, your webbed feet strong, while she goes and faces troubles?
No! You must be a good partner, and also make friends with the neighbours, the lake wide community! No more yellow bellied croaking!
Kermit, you must take your place in these waters, make ripples, fight your fears, so my brother, I do really hope you are just joking.
If dear old dad, were here now, had he not been caught by humans and put into an aquarium, a limited world, that sad little tank,
I know he would urge you to meet life head on, don't waste your time hiding! I say this to strengthen your nerve and be frank!
Father would tell you, the prison he's in is perhaps no worse than the one which you build for yourself from such worry and stress"
And Kermit, inspired, agreed to be married quite quickly, if Flo was willing. "Let the nuptials be soon, or I'll get cold feet, I confess!"
Florence Froggola felt an easy rapport when they met, and agreed to the marriage, if he'd try to be braver, no crawling toad, or sly newt.
And when he met her, he did find her amusing, affectionate and with such large bulging eyes and supple joints, very sexy and cute.
So Kermit and Florence indeed did have a contended marriage, together, after having conveniently both fallen in love and in lust.
His sensible wife managed things well, as she insisted " as hunters and gatherers, we'll take turns to go foraging - you simply must!"
And as Kermit grew older and time passed, he found marriage and fatherhood did make him considerably braver and overcome many fears -
until their numerous clusters of taddies grew up, and had little wrigglers of their own; Kermie and Flo had many grandchildren, over the years.
But then Flo was ready for a new phase in life, wanting broader horizons and so she suggested a trip to the well tended gardens of humans nearby.
"I would like to dive and swim in their ponds and luxurious water features" she said. It was something she'd so much always wanted to try.
"I have heard stories from other creatures, and know of a family of humans", she explained, "with a fountain and gnomes in their garden."
But this kind of enterprise was beyond Kermit's limit for danger, and he was distressed. Flo became quite insistent, and felt his heart harden.
"It seems now we want such different things in life", he said, for he longed to return to the pond where he lived as a little tadpole, so secluded.
"Well if you think i am going to that backwater," protested Florence strongly, "then I'm sorry Kermit, honey but you are completely deluded!
Why it is dull as ditch water there, I won't go and I think I must say, Kermit, you've been a good mate to me, and great tadpole spawner
But you can't or won't share my sense of adventure! I want a good new hopping life! You're holding me back, boring me, you're such a yawner
Still Kermit insisted, he wanted peaceful retirement and safety, though his lady frog tried to persuade him to visit the local suburbs and have a jaunt.
"We never go anywhere! Is it capture, being shut in a tank like your pa, that you're scares you or maybe you can't out leap a few cats? she would taunt.
Well this was low talk and poorly done, but Kermit just repeated that he did not crave such hazardous adventures for entertainment or adrenalin rush -
and such a rift had grown between them, so back to his little safe birthplace he went to dwell in a hole in a log - simple and quiet, but he liked the hush.
I have no regrets, have loved our life together, but now the time's come for me to please my old bones" he explained , to his friends, children and Florence.
"For all that high living and swamp hopping, the curious travels which you seem to yearn for, myself I have a deep and instinctive total abhorrence.
I want to go back to the place of my birth, downsize if you like, for I guess at heart I am still plain old Kermie, humble and simple backwater pond scum.
But I don't need fancy stuff and am not ambitious: nostalgic maybe, but I am proud of my ancestral roots!" - and he smiled wisely at his dear old mum.
And so, he and Flo agreed to be fairly amicably parted, and forgetting her harsh words, he said he guessed if she followed her dreams she'd feel more fulfilled
he just hoped, thinking of all those cats, foxes and humans, and roads with those awful cars and trucks that squash frogs, that she would not get killed.
And as for him - he planned to write poetry, sing ballads, float happily in his old age and he hoped his children would sometimes hop by and visit his log.
And they do - get together for stories and sing-a-longs and croaking sessions, now he is a venerated, well loved and much calmer old frog.
They had to admit, he did seem much more settled. " We know he was always a bit of a worrier," they'd say, " but he is a kindly old croaker;
he songs and his poems are deep as the lake although his ponds small, and he's a good host, a good listener to all and a bit of a joker."
"I have no regrets" Kermit said, if we'd not gone to the lake I never would have had such a wonderful family and, though I don't have worldly advice to dispense
I have followed my heart, done my best for my offspring, and I hope, entertained with my stories - and I do have a little bit of good common sense!
Perhaps we all have a destiny or a soul journey to fulfil and some frogs, I think, are just born for the simple life and that's their dream -
but other frogs have a calling for quests and discoveries, or need challenges, and they must find something different and swim upstream.
Though a cliche, of course is a truism too, so variety I think, truly is the spice of life and each of us is born with a path to follow!"
He philosophised, to the sky and the fish, and particularly, by way of comforting a nice juicy slug he was just about to swallow.
"Well, to conclude my tale" Kermit said- "I heard that Florence was found by a human and romantically kissed (apparently he was a prince)
and although it sounds like a fairy story ending - I hope for the best as no one has heard any further news of her ever since.
And was for me? Life's been good to me, I survived and thrived, love my music and dawn chorus poetry croakings, and have met a sweet new lady friend
and she's a great dancer, so we're quite a pair - I am hoping (this being a leap year) she'll pop the question and I will be once again wed!"
Well, sadly" (interjected the white duck who's narrating this story" , this was not to be, as just then a hedgehog burrowing under the log bit off Kermit's head
- and that is the end of the story, but of course Kermit's ancestors live on, and one branch of the family populates the lake, and some in the pond
including a young froglet, a dancer and singer, good swimmer and small, but with big dreams, called Rita Ribbet, of whom I am quite fond.......
the end.
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